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Stalin Would Have Loved These Horrid Things
This is an important Easter-time discussion to have, my friends. There are people out there in the world who think that Peeps are candy. And delicious. I know some of these people. They’re otherwise intelligent and generally have good taste.
Then Easter comes and Peeps are everywhere and I don’t know who they are anymore.
I remember the first time I tried these things as a kid. Bear in mind that young boys will eat anything. Sure, some are picky eaters, but most aren’t possessed of what one would call a refined palate. Some horrible person gave me some Peeps and passed them off as Easter candy. I took one bite of the chemically colored cardboard substance and immediately thought, “What in the fresh hell is this?!?!?” I was a boy who’d never even heard the phrase “what in the fresh hell” but it popped into my head.
That’s how nasty the Peeps are.
One of the few silver linings of the COVID-19 pandemic was that Peeps weren’t made for Easter last year. Alas, the virus couldn’t kill the things and they’re back ruining baskets full of real candy.
That’s just it — there is so much awesome candy out there for the Easter season that it’s unfathomable that Peeps could ever gain any traction and be noticed. If you’re looking at a Cadbury Creme Egg next to some Peeps, that’s like being given a choice between filet mignon and a hobo’s foot.
There are people freely roaming among us who apparently would opt for the hobo’s foot.
That’s what’s wrong with society these days.
Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust anyone whose judgement is so off that they think Peeps taste good, unless they had some sort of tragic farm-equipment accident that permanently damaged their taste buds, of course. First, they’re eating Peeps, then they’re extolling the virtues of pants, which are evil.
Let’s get America back on track and adopt a “friends don’t let friends eat Peeps” attitude.
The Founding Fathers would have wanted it that way.
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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author of “Don’t Let the Hippies Shower” and “Straight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.