Two quick reminders before we begin.
First, all names of the accused have been changed to Florida Man or Florida Woman to protect the…whatever they might be.
Second, every state has terrible news, but Florida’s best-in-the-nation Sunshine Law means we get the silliest-in-the-nation stories almost exclusively from just one state.
And by Friday afternoon, we could all use a break from the terrible news.
So join me now for another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Just when I started to think Florida Man was making perfect sense, that’s when I read… the rest of the story:
Florida Man is facing charges after calling 911 to suggest that President Joe Biden needed to be put in jail. He was arrested last Sunday for calling 911 dispatchers multiple times to say “El Chapo needed to be freed from prison and President Biden needed to be placed into prison,” according to an arrest report.
Deputies said that Florida Man called the 911 emergency line three times within a one-hour period.
Florida Man was under the influence of alcohol at the time of his arrest. His bond was set at $150.
Believe it or not, there’s a lesson in this silly little tale: Even guys drunk enough to think El Chapo should be released from prison have enough wits about them to know that Joe Biden belongs there.
SCORE: One point each for chutzpah, stupid crime, corrupt officials.
TOTAL: 3 FMF Points.
I realize that isn’t a huge total for a lead FMF story, but c’mon man, there’s no way I wasn’t going to lead with Florida Man calling the cops on Biden.
The Return of Florida Iguana Madness
Florida has such an iguana problem that you’ll see headlines like this one: Why Is It Raining Iguanas in Florida?
I’ve done maybe a dozen or more iguana madness stories over the years on Florida Man Friday.
Sure, bears sometimes come into my garage here on the Front Range of the Rockies, but Florida has iguanas everywhere — and they aren’t even tasty.
The result is stories like this one:
Florida Man was shooting iguanas with a pellet gun in the backyard of his Cape Coral home on Saturday, when neighbors called police to report him.
He told NBC 2 News “I’ve had a lot of issues with them. A lot of mess I keep cleaning off.”
Florida Man started shooting the iguanas with his pellet gun, using plastic-tipped pellets to kill the iguanas.
A neighbor confronted him.
Yeah, mind your own business, Florida Neighbor.
But we have a happy ending: “Florida Man showed officers his guns and was cleared to continue shooting the iguanas.”
SCORE: I’m awarding 5 bonus points to Florida Man for doing his civic duty in a manly way and taking no guff for it.
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Embarrassing! He Brought a Knife to a Gunfight
Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting
Not to point any fingers at any criminal presidents or anything, but we didn’t see so many of these stories when gas was $2.50:
Deputies said a person was sleeping on a couch and awakened by a noise. The person went to investigate and found Florida Man trying to pump gas out of a nearby U-Haul truck, the affidavit stated.
Gas is pricy, U-Hauls have enormous gas tanks — I get it. I don’t approve, mind you, but I do understand.
So what makes this story special enough for inclusion on FMF?
When the person confronted Florida Man, authorities said he pulled out a knife and swung it at the person.
The person was able to kick the knife out Florida Man’s hand and was not hurt.
Not bad for a guy who just a few seconds earlier was asleep outdoors on a derelict sofa.
SCORE: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, weapon, chutzpah (on the part of our kung-fu expert).
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points
I Can’t Even
The only thing I have to add to this story is an earnest but unfounded hope that it isn’t true.
SCORE: Just 1 point for Weapon (preferably unusual).
TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Florida Hide-and-Seek State Championship Honorable Mention
There’s really nothing terribly funny here but I can’t stop laughing at the absurdity of it.
Florida Man got into an argument over some handyman work and allegedly shot a relative over it.
So Florida Man did what any sensible person would do and hid in a shed that (allegedly) his girlfriend locked him into from the outside.
“The police won’t suspect a thing!” is what these two geniuses must have been thinking.
The deputies questioned Florida Man’s girlfriend, who gave the deputies inconsistent information about whether he was living in a nearby shed that had been locked from the outside.
Deputies suspected Florida Man was hiding in the shed and called for backup. They announced themselves and issued warnings for him to surrender peacefully multiple times.
When no one answered, deputies cut the padlock and sent in a K-9 that alerted officers to Florida Man hiding under a beanbag and blanket. He sat up and pointed a handgun at the deputies.
This is where I was thinking that the police must have put a bunch of holes into Florida Man, but not quite.
Deputies ordered Florida Man to drop the handgun. He put down the gun and appeared to surrender before reaching for another firearm, the sheriff’s office said.
That’s when the police shot Florida Man several times. He’s in critical condition but the police are fine.
First, Florida Man thought he could hide in a shed. Then he thought he could get the drop on police who knew exactly where he was. Then he thought he could still get the drop on police — who by this time were training their pistols right at him — if he dropped one gun and picked up another.
I’m thinking Florida Man’s critical condition started a long time before he was ever shot.
SCORE: Weapons, getting caught stupidly, resisting arrest, and an unprecedented three points for each individual instance of criminally stupid chutzpah.
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Honesty Is Such a Lonely Word
It started off as a simple traffic accident:
Florida Man was making a delivery in the back of the shopping center when his truck tore an awning off the building and hit an unoccupied pickup truck, pushing it for about 200 feet. Officers say both vehicles were totaled.
When an officer approached Florida Man following the crash, he stated that he thought he was being pranked by a television show and did not immediately come out of the 53-foot tractor.
Who in their right minds ever thought that a seemingly avoidable traffic incident that was totally their own fault was the result of a TV prank?
After a few minutes, the officer was able to remove Florida Man from the truck and asked if he had fallen asleep, been drinking or was experiencing a medical emergency, according to the Haines City Police Department.
The officer says Florida Man responded by saying, “I was smoking my meth pipe.”
SCORE: Vehicular madness, drugs, getting caught stupidly,
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Six scored stories with a total of 22 points for an average of 3.67 points.
Solid effort, Florida Man.
However, I can’t help but notice that Florida Woman didn’t make the cut even once this week. I’m expecting better from her next week or we’re going to have to have a little talk.
From a safe distance, naturally.
Meanwhile, in Louisiana…
Two men attempted to illegally move a modular home in Louisiana in the middle of the night before they abandoned the house in the street and left a trail of havoc in their neighborhood, the local sheriff reported.
Sheriff’s deputies in the state’s Iberia parish, near Lafayette, jailed the pair after getting a call at 3.30am on Sunday to report an illegal transport of a house. “Deputies arrived to find an abandoned truck, trailer and house,” the sheriff’s office said in a statement on its Facebook page.
Nobody will notice that we moved a house if we do it at night!
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…