On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have the suspect who tried to hide from police inside the house he’d set on fire, the soda and water urine test, and a Texas freelance state trooper.
Florida Man Runs Inside Burning House To Hide From Police
Just not for very long.
Imagine, if you will, a man in trouble with Vero County code enforcement because of the mess around his home and who, surprisingly enough, also has several outstanding warrants. This man — this Florida Man — decided to burn the refuse in his backyard, as one does. He somehow managed to also set fire to his house, which, unsurprisingly enough, caught the attention of local authorities.
Local deputies arrived to try and get Florida Man to safety. Instead, he ran inside the burning building and locked himself inside. Just, as noted earlier, not for very long. Because the house was on fire. “The only option he had was either stay in the home and possibly burn or come out. I figure he’d have to come out at some point in time, and he did,” one of the deputies said.
Florida Man then told the deputies he had to let the dogs out (and that answers that question). Except that the deputies could clearly see that the dogs were already out, and besides, very few people deadbolt the door when they’re trying to let pets out of the house.
The same deputy also said, “I just happened to recognize him when he ran back to the house as the gentleman with active warrants.”
Nevertheless, Florida Man gave a fake name, claimed he couldn’t breathe, and also tried to flee.
He’s being held without bond because Florida ain’t California or New York City, bub.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Recidivism, Getting Caught Stupidly, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Does This Smell Like Mountain Dew to You?
Florida Woman tries to pass drug test with ‘soda and tap water’
Florida Woman was ordered to submit to a urine test after pleading guilty to felony drug charges, and you’ll totally believe what happened next:
While many try to pass urine tests with either synthetic urine or urine from a “clean” individual, Hunter had filled the pill container with a mixture of “soda and tap water,” which would have undoubtedly resulted in a failed sample.
The pill container had been hidden “inside of herself,” which is as much detail as the story went into on that point, thank goodness.
Now she faces an additional misdemeanor charge of urinalysis fraud.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Stupid Crime, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Those Don’t Go There
Florida Man arrested after dumping more than 30 mattresses, box springs along Key West street
When my wife and I bought a new mattress a few years ago, we did it the modern way. We sat on the sofa, looking at different models on our laptops, found one that seemed right, and clicked the order button. A few days later, the mattress arrived rolled up in a big tube. Pulled the tube away, put the roll on the bed, carefully cut the restraining plastic cover, and — FLOOMP — the mattress unrolled itself onto the bed.
If only getting rid of the old mattress were so easy:
Florida man was arrested Wednesday after deputies said that he left more than 30 mattresses and box springs along a street.
The Monroe County Solid Waste Management told the sheriff’s office that bedding weighing more than 1,700 pounds was dumped at Front Street and 4th Avenue.
My first question was: Where’d he get so many mattresses? Most people only get rid of one at a time.
Turns out, Florida Man had been hired to replace the mattresses at a hotel. He left the old ones on the side of the road, figuring people would just come and get them. Because people do that. Except this one time, they somehow did not. IDing the perp was as difficult as asking the hotel manager the name of the guy they’d hired to remove the mattresses.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (I realize that’s three different kinds of stupid in one score, but that’s why people love FMF.)
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: UKRAINE WAR: Stuff Is Blowing Up Inside Russia and No One Knows What’s Going On
Florida Woman succumbs to violence over chocolate milk
Florida Woman was arrested for aggravated battery following an incident involving chocolate milk. Which, if you’re going to serve hard time, is not what you tell the other prisoners you’re in for. Scare them off with something that sounds more threatening and manly, like getting in a fistfight with the Spice Girls — and losing.
Back to the point, which is this: Girl fights are vicious. Especially when there’s chocolate involved.
Florida Woman left a chocolate milk in the fridge, and this was an issue because the victim’s mother has diabetes and can’t be tempted like that, I guess. Eventually, they got so angry that a fight broke out:
So angry that Wright began bashing the victim with her bare hands.
The victim put up a fair fight, hurdling a container of cat litter at Wright, which was returned with a glass bowl to the face.
An arrest was made and charges were filed, but we’re still left with one burning question: “Hurdling?”
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), plus a bonus point for going to extremes to look out for Mom.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Here’s One to Make You Smile
Florida Man walking America for mental health, addiction awareness makes stop in Southeast Idaho
When someone in southeast Idaho is on a promotional walking tour that started in Florida — well, you know they’re serious about spreading their message. Hell, even if they started in southwest Idaho.
Kyndal Ray has left behind a life of crime, addiction and constant depression and is instead focused on sharing messages of love and inspiration as he travels from the Atlantic Ocean in Florida to the Pacific Ocean in Washington. The name of his expedition: A Walking Testimony.
“Over the last 13 years of my life I’ve dealt with depression, addiction and a life of crime,” Ray said. “In the last 13 years, I have tried to take my life twice, I’ve overdosed numerous times, I’ve lost my heartbeat, I’ve had seizures and I’ve been in county jail 11 times and in prison twice. But I’m a firm believer that no matter how deep of a hole that we dig ourselves into that we can get out, that there is always hope and that we do recover. One of the biggest things is that our pasts do not define us.”
Ray, who was in McCammon, Pocatello and American Falls this week, said he is walking for mental health and recovery awareness and as a brand ambassador for Habits New York.
SCORE: Five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness and don’t even try to tell me anything different.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Fake Deputy Tried to Steal Real Car
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five stories, 20 points, an average of 4 points per story.
If we’re just going by the numbers, that’s as average as it gets. But, c’mon, we had kitty litter as a weapon and a man hiding from the police in a house he’d set on fire. This week’s a winner!
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Texas man allegedly impersonated cop to ‘make people drive better’
I always search for Colorado Man stories first, because fair is fair. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve hit pay dirt here in my home state, though, because February and March is when we hunker down here, sick of winter and praying for warmer weather.
It’s already nice and hot in Texas:
The suspect admitted to using the emergency lights in this manner previously. He told officers that he uses the emergency lights, which are mounted to his dashboard, when he doesn’t agree with other motorists’ driving in order to “make people drive better.”
I’d do this, too, but just try getting a hood-mounted Javelin missile when they’re all getting shipped to Ukraine.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…