On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have a hogtied truck thief, a post-casino heist, the Drunk Dad of the Year, and Virginia Woman with her frying pan giving all of Florida a run for its money.
Florida Woman Calls For A ‘Sugar Daddy-Mommy Appreciation Day’ During A Planning & Zoning Board Meeting
Also sprach Florida Woman:
You guys might not be aware but Florida has the largest per capita population of sugar daddies in the U.S. Miami, Palm Beach, and Boca lies the most concentrated populace of these aged benefactors. Sugar daddies both gay and straight and, yes, even sugar mommies, are responsible for college educations, cars, homes, rents, jets, Perkins [???], and the occasional body enhancement — but not me, though, I’m all natural — supporting our local economy. Let us celebrate these giving, generous Samaritans as I stand before you requesting that you decree a Sugar Daddy and Mommy Appreciation Day.
“Ma’am, this is a Planning & Zoning Board meeting. Did you have anything involving an easement?”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: I’m not sure how to score this one, so how about 5 Bonus Points to Florida Woman for being able to walk under her own power?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Keep on Truckin’
Florida Man faces charges after stealing unattended truck from Medley gas station
The problem with kids these days is they didn’t grow up watching stuff like Every Which Way But Loose, Convoy, Smokey and the Bandit, or, hell, even B.J. and the Bear. Guys my age know that, if you try and steal a truck, something bad will befall you — maybe even involving a hard-drinking and very protective orangutan.
So I was not at all surprised to learn that when Florida Man attempted to steal an unattended semi parked at a truck stop, he was quickly apprehended and placed in restraints.
And that was before the police arrived. It’s all on video, too, and you owe it to yourself and to Florida Man to watch the whole thing.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a bonus Stupid Point for getting hogtied with zip ties by a couple of truckers.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Everybody should have to rent Convoy before even thinking about embarking on a life of trucker crime.
The Hangover, Part IV
Moment wealthy Florida Man is robbed of his gun, sneakers, and diamond-encrusted watch after taking two women home from Hard Rock Café
Maybe Florida Man thought they liked him for his personality:
One man’s evening of entertainment at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino — famously shaped like a guitar — quickly turned sour when two women he brought back to his townhouse robbed him.
Surveillance footage released by the county sheriff’s office in Broward County, Florida, reveals the moment the brunette duo make off into the night with the man’s gun, sneakers and diamond encrusted watch.
The pair can be seen milling around the property before they are caught on tape sneaking out the front door and running through the parking lot with their stolen loot.
You bring a couple of scantily dressed women home from a casino after 3 a.m., and they turn out just to be in it for the money.
How embarrassing, right? It gets worse, though. The Daily Mail buried the most embarrassing detail at the bottom of the story: “The man then texted the women asking for both items to be returned but never heard back.”
It’s one thing to get ghosted. But to let yourself get ghosted, asking for your stolen Rolex back? What did Florida Man think would happen?
SCORE: Caught on Video, Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity (there’s a wardrobe malfunction on one of the videos), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: New Tests Promise to Reveal Your Real Age — but Do You Really Want to Know?
A Dad’s Gotta Do What a Dad’s Gotta Do
Florida Man arrested for allegedly shooting at naked roommate who got in bed with teenage daughter
The headline makes this seem less awful than it actually was.
So Florida Dad, Florida Teenage Daughter, and Florida Roommate had been “drinking heavily together” one evening when — surprise! — things went rapidly downhill. Florida Teenage Daughter went to bed first, alone. Florida Roommate was so drunk that he passed out, naked, in the wrong bed: Hers.
Police said, “Once the teenager realized a naked male was sleeping next to her, she went to [Florida Dad] to let him know what had transpired; she did not allege a crime had occurred against her.”
That’s when Florida Dad got a gun and fired it a couple of times through his daughter’s closed door, I guess in the general direction of naked Florida Roommate. He also shot the floor “three or four times” because… well, who knows what that floor had done to upset him.
Easily the worst episode of 8 Simple Rules… for Dating My Teenage Daughter ever.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Stupid Crime, Domestic Bliss.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Now That’s What I Call Off-Site Storage
Florida Man Plotting to Build Data Centers on the Moon
Let’s depart for a moment from the usual silly tales of tawdry crime so I can nerd out over a very ambitious Florida startup:
Lonestar Data Holdings announced that it had secured an additional $5 million in funding as it marches ever closer to its ambitious experiment of running data centers on the Moon.
Lonestar will try out a mere two pound data center packing a 16 terabyte capacity, Stott said in an interview with SpaceNews last year — which is an ample starting point.
The server will be brought aboard a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket as part of the upcoming IM-2 mission from Intuitive Machines, a NASA contractor.
Much more at the link, all of it cool.
Godspeed, Florida Startup.
SCORE: 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, plus another 240,000 when/if they pull this off.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Used the Kitty Litter in Self-Defense
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories, 22 points total, for a solid average of 4.4 points.
Meanwhile, in Virginia…
Naked woman shot after attacking homeowner with frying pan
Never bring a frying pan to a naked gunfight, I always say.
Don’t ask why I’m always saying that.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…