On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the strip joint bouncers who might have prevented a massacre, the least-candid candid camera, and the world’s bravest Amazon delivery guy.
We may never know why Florida Man wrote “kill” and “darkk [sic] one” on his arms, put on a devil mask, grabbed a flashlight, and then tried to walktz into a strip club brandishing a loaded pistol.
Maybe it was supposed to be a metaphor for something.
Anyway, an alert and brave bouncer named Manuel Resto sprang into action, later recalling, “I was like, OK, it’s not Halloween.”
“I then decided that he was not going to enter the club and hurt anybody.”
Resto took several blows to the head but, as you can see from the security video, didn’t give up. Two others joined in and helped subdue Crazy Devil Dude until the police arrived.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, Strip Club and/or a Hooters, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Public Nudity (Florida Man had a slight wardrobe malfunction), and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness awarded to each of the three bouncers.
TOTAL: A record 8 FMF Points.
And a silent prayer for those bouncers that they should never pay for another drink.
When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big-a Pizza Pie but the Other Way Around
Florida Woman slapped with a slice of pizza, man faces assault charges
This, ladies and gentlemen, is not amore:
According to a Fox 35 Orlando news report, sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to a Marion County home after a 911 hang-up call.
“When they arrived, they found the suspect, 39-year-old [Florida Man], outside the residence,” the Fox 35 article reads. “According to a probable cause affidavit, he told law enforcement that he had gotten into an argument with a woman.”
Deputies spoke with the woman and she stated FM became upset because she physically disciplined someone on their bottom area, so he reportedly struck her in the face with a slice of pizza.
“Physically disciplined someone on their bottom area?” Why can’t we say “spanking” anymore?
Our pizza abuser faces a simple battery charge and if there’s a way to make the punishment fit this particular crime, I don’t want to know what it is.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Stupid Crime, Someone’s Bottom Area (new category!).
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
The Not-So-Candid Camera
Florida Man hid camera in bathroom to watch ‘attractive’ men
There’s so much wrong here that I don’t even know where to begin.
Our criminal mastermind/barista wanted to get some sneaky video of attractive men, ah, taking care of business. I sat on a jury once in a similar case where the defendant, while doing legitimate contracting work on people’s homes, went through a lot of trouble to hide secret bathroom cameras in ways that they were nearly impossible to find. In fact, nobody found them until Colorado Man had gotten busted for something else, and police found his bathroom videos on his computer.
Florida Man just stuck his cell phone under a sink and hit the record button.
Sure enough, someone somehow saw through that clever scheme. One victim — there were ten in all — saw the phone, could tell exactly what it was doing, grabbed it, and turned it over to police.
“That ain’t mine!” Florida Man didn’t say, because he apparently has at least one functioning synapse firing off between two working brain cells.
But here’s the kicker. The Tarpon Springs coffee shop is called “We Spy Coffee & More.”
So much more.
SCORE: Caught on video, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: When Your Samsung Smartphone Lies: Who Took That Picture You Just Took?
Florida Man accused of stabbing and stealing man’s car, later arrested in woods
You know how sometimes when you and your buddies ask for a ride to Winn-Dixie from some guy in exchange for gas money, but then, at some point, you’re holding a knife to the guy’s neck and you end up stabbing him in the arm before you steal his car and abandon it so you can flee from the police into the woods but get caught anyway?
You know what they call that in Florida?
“Tuesday.”
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Chase.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
When McRibs Go Out of Season
Florida Woman allegedly threatened McDonald’s employees with gun over missing menu item
It was just a couple of weeks ago that Florida Woman brandished a pistol at Mcdonald’s workers, even after they gave her a free cookie. This time, Florida Woman was told the meal she wanted was no longer on the menu, prompting her “to allegedly brandish a black handgun and say that she’ll ‘push her ‘s— back,’ according to the affidavit.”
Apparently, the new thing, when confronted by a minor confrontation at a drive-thru, is to go directly to the heavy firepower portion of the evening:
The McDonald’s employees called 911 and responding officers made contact with Florida Woman, who allegedly had a black M&P Shield handgun with a drum-style magazine capable of carrying 50 rounds in her passenger seat.
Oh my.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drive-Thru Mayhem (new category!), Stupid Crime.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Naked Visitor From Another Earth
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a very solid average of 4.4.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina…
Amazon driver delivers package during police standoff, hands to SWAT member
Is this the most badass thing you’ll see all weekend? It just might be.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…