Daily Show Asks: You Wouldn’t Trust The NBA, So Why Trust Pro-Lifers

Even by the standards of late night comedy, The Daily Show’s Grace Kuhlenschmidt is painfully unfunny. On Thursday’s episode on Comedy Central, she joined temp host Jordan Klepper to do her usual routine of playing an overly excited dumb woman who needs to be told what to do by everybody from the NBA to NASA in a ham-fisted attempt to satirize pro-lifers.

The backdrop for the segment was the Supreme Court unanimously ruling that a pro-life group does not have standing to sue the FDA over mifepristone and the Southern Baptist Convention formally voting to oppose IVF. Klepper suggested, “That is a lot to process in a single day. Women must be feeling pretty overwhelmed.”

Kuhlenschmidt pretended to be overjoyed with the news, “Are you kidding? This is my dream! I get to wake up every day and get told what to do with my body by a random group of people I’ve never met. If anything, they don’t give me enough rules.”

 After Klepper feigned confusion, Kuhlenschmidt continued, “Yeah, like today, I learned I shouldn’t get pregnant through IVF, but what about through missionary? Or what about reverse cowgirl? Or sitting in a jizz puddle on the subway? Ooh! Okay, just got an update from the Delaware Jehovah’s Witnesses. They say that making a baby through missionary is cool if you’re dating, but subway jizz puddles are not unless I’m fully married to the jizz puddle. Awesome, thank you, Delaware Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

It’s funny because she’s talking about sex and “jizz” on TV. Why aren’t you laughing?

Klepper, still playing the role of perplexed host, followed up, “You want that to be dictated to you by the courts and religious groups?”

Kuhlenschmidt affirmed that she did, “Oh, it could be any random group! A local school board, a book club, the NBA.”

After Klepper suggested that wouldn’t be the best idea, Kuhlenschmidt continued, “You’re right, they’re busy with the Finals. But there is so much more about my life I need decided for me! I mean, I’m getting a bikini wax this weekend and I know they’re going to ask: landing strip, triangle, or Sahara Desert? Hold on… Yep. Okay, there’s a bowling league in Phoenix that just weighed in. Landing strip: if I’m going to a party, triangle: if I’m going to a funeral. I was excited about the landing strip, but my grandma is dead.”

Klepper then wondered, “Grace, do women really need to be micromanaged this much by random organizations?”

Kuhlenschmidt claimed they do, “Jordan, I can’t even focus on what you’re saying right now. I have not pooped in three days. I emailed NASA to ask if I could, but they haven’t written me back!”

The duo concluded their bit with Klepper urging her to “Walk over to the bathroom!” and Kuhlenschmidt asking how one does that before Klepper described the basic human activity of walking. Kuhlenschmidt was grateful, “Thank you, Jordan. I love this country!”

Underneath the surface of the skit is the idea that you would not let an astronaut or a professional basketball player control your health care, so why would you let the Supreme Court or pro-life politicians, but it was just one giant dodge to avoid ethical questions that make pro-abortion comedians uncomfortable.

Here is a transcript for the June 13 show:

Comedy Central The Daily Show

6/13/2024

11:10 PM ET

JORDAN KLEPPER: That is a lot to process in a single day. Women must be feeling pretty overwhelmed.

GRACE KUHLENSCHMIDT: Are you kidding? This is my dream! I get to wake up every day and get told what to do with my body by a random group of people I’ve never met. If anything, they don’t give me enough rules.

KLEPPER: You — you want more rules?

KUHLENSCHMIDT: Yeah, like today, I learned I shouldn’t get pregnant through IVF, but what about through missionary? Or what about reverse cowgirl? Or sitting in a jizz puddle on the subway? Ooh! Okay, just got an update from the Delaware Jehovah’s Witnesses. They say that making a baby through missionary is cool if you’re dating, but subway jizz puddles are not unless I’m fully married to the jizz puddle. Awesome, thank you, Delaware Jehovah’s Witnesses!

KLEPPER: You want that to be dictated to you by the courts and religious groups?

KUHLENSCHMIDT: Oh, it could be any random group! A local school board, a book club, the NBA.

KLEPPER: I — I don’t think the NBA should weigh in on your reproductive rights, Grace.

KUHLENSCHMIDT: You’re right, they’re busy with the Finals. But there is so much more about my life I need decided for me! I mean, I’m getting a bikini wax this weekend and I know they’re going to ask: landing strip, triangle, or Sahara Desert?

Hold on… Yep. Okay, there’s a bowling league in Phoenix that just weighed in. Landing strip: if I’m going to a party, triangle: if I’m going to a funeral. I was excited about the landing strip, but my grandma is dead.

KLEPPER: Grace, do women really need to be micromanaged this much by random organizations?

KUHLENSCHMIDT: Jordan, I can’t even focus on what you’re saying right now. I have not pooped in three days. I emailed NASA to ask if I could, but they haven’t written me back!

KLEPPER: What? For the love of–, Grace, if you need to poop, go poop!

KUHLENSCHMIDT: How?

KLEPPER: Walk over to the bathroom!

KUHLENSCHMIDT: With what?

KLEPPER: With your legs, Grace!

KUHLENSCHMIDT: But which leg first? I’m freaking out, Jordan! I need you or a group of astronauts to tell me what to do with my body!

KLEPPER: Okay, left, right, left, right!

KUHLENSCHMIDT: Left, right, left, right. 

KLEPPER: Left, right, yes.

KUHLENSCHMIDT: Thank you, Jordan. I love this country!

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