Confused By Doors, Colbert Cries ‘Bullcrap’ On School Security Ideas

News & Politics

CBS’s Stephen Colbert became the first late night host to address the Nashville school shooting on the Tuesday edition of The Late Show where he attacked Fox News for daring to talk about school security, labeling such discussions as “bullcrap.”

Colbert began his attacks on Fox by introducing a clip, “Now, one guest on Fox News, who is speaking under footage here, said this.”

That guest was retired FBI special agent Nicole Parker and the only reference to Parker’s credentials was the Fox chyron. In the video, Parker declared,” That seems to be a common pattern in many of these shootings.”

Interrupting the video, Colbert quipped, “Hmm, what could that ”that” be that she is referring to? That one piece of equipment involved in every mass shooting. For no reason, I’m going to drink this glass of water while she says what that is.”

The video then resumed with Parker adding, “A side door.” After doing one of the most staged a predictable spit takes ever, Colbert responded, “Really? A side door? That’s the problem? Soon, that desperate hunk of bullcrap was spread all over Fox News.”

Colbert then played another series of videos from Fox:

KATIE PAVLICH: The fact that this person could go through a side door means security needs to be taken more seriously. 

NEIL CAVUTO: If this door, even if it was another door, side door, was open and accessible.

JEANINE PIRRO: Close or lock the damn door. Period. 

Apparently unaware of how doors work, Colbert responded, “Yes, clearly, we need common sense door reform! But, folks, we can’t stop at side doors. Did you know that most people enter a building at the front door? So we clearly need to get rid of those, too and here’s how it’ll work. On the first day of kindergarten, you drop off your kids at school, kiss them goodbye, then they just brick up the entrance. One tube in for food, one tube out for waste.”

Colbert couldn’t resist mixing in another unrelated bit of misinformation, “Twelve years later, we bust down the wall Kool-Aid man style, give them their diploma, and then and only then, inform them there was once this thing called slavery and gay people exist. They can’t learn that in school. It’s far too dangerous. 

Not knowing how doors work is not new for Colbert or the late night hosts, but the point of “door reform” is that they should be locked to the outside to prevent unauthorized people from accessing the building in unsecured locations.

This segment was sponsored by Starbucks.

Here is a transcript for the March 28 show:

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

3/28/2023

11:39 PM ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, one guest on Fox News, who is speaking under footage here, said this. 

NICOLE PARKER: That seems to be a common pattern in many of these shootings. 

COLBERT: Hmm, what could that ”that” be that she is referring to? That one piece of equipment involved in every mass shooting. For no reason, I’m going to drink this glass of water while she says what that is. 

PARKER: A side door. 

COLBERT: [Spitting] Really? A side door? That’s the problem? Soon, that desperate hunk of bullcrap was spread all over Fox News. 

KATIE PAVLICH: The fact that this person could go through a side door means security needs to be taken more seriously. 

NEIL CAVUTO: If this door, even if it was another door, side door, was open and accessible.

JEANINE PIRRO: Close or lock the damn door. Period. 

COLBERT: Yes, clearly, we need common sense door reform! But, folks, we can’t stop at side doors. Did you know that most people enter a building at the front door? So we clearly need to get rid of those, too and here’s how it’ll work. On the first day of kindergarten, you drop off your kids at school, kiss them goodbye, then they just brick up the entrance. One tube in for food, one tube out for waste.

Twelve years later, we bust down the wall Kool-Aid man style, give them their diploma, and then and only then, inform them there was once this thing called slavery and gay people exist. They can’t learn that in school. It’s far too dangerous. 

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