The Morning Briefing: RIP Jurisprudence — President Séance Judged Too Senile to Get in Trouble

Top O’ the Briefing

Happy Friday, dear Kruiser Morning Briefing friends. (The Sine Qua Non Sequitur is on life support hiatus.)

What wine goes best with dystopian resignation? 

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The formatting is going to be a little different at the top here today. Here is a quick recap of where we are in the existential nightmare visited upon us by people who are so emotionally weak that they couldn’t handle mean tweets:

  • Joe Biden is still the President of the United States.
  • The President of the United States is still considered the most powerful man on Earth. 
  • Joe Biden is a drooling idiot who keeps recounting conversations he’s had with dead people. 
  • Joe Biden’s Department of Justice has determined that he shouldn’t be held legally accountable for anything because he’s a drooling idiot who talks to dead people. 
  • Joe Biden is still the President of the United States. 

OK, I may have simplified things a little bit but, sadly, not too much. 

Gosh, it’s been a whole day since the news prompted us to discuss the fact that the chief executive of this once great nation has the mental agility of a fatigued amoeba. When I wrote about President LOLEightyonemillion’s conversation with the dead French president who he thought was German, I thought we might be done with stories like that for at least a little while. 

Silly me. 

It turns out that Joey Scranton also chatted up an actual dead German, which Matt wrote about. Perhaps the dead can make more sense out of Biden’s heavily medicated mush mouth nonsense. 

This mentally unwell afterlife conversationalist also happens to be in charge of a Justice Department that has made “perversion of justice” integral to its mission statement. Attorney General Merrick Garland has been attempting to exorcise his Republican demons by wreaking havoc with the rule of law and heading up the most powerful Biden apologist goon squad on the planet. 

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I was going to begin this paragraph with, “Just when you thought things couldn’t get any weirder,” but I doubt anybody thinks that anymore. Maybe, “Just when you were done icing your knuckles from the most recent time you punched the wall,” would be more apropos. In one of the saddest moments in U.S. presidential history, the DOJ special counsel tasked with determining whether Biden’s egregiously awful handling of classified documents was, you know, egregiously awful has determined that all is A-OK because the President of the United States is a pathetic old man. 

My friend Stephen Green provides some great analysis of this lunacy here, replete with more acerbic gems than some Bob Uecker color commentary from a 17-inning baseball game back in the day. 

The gist of the hack special counsel’s report is that Biden would “present himself” to a jury as everyone’s grandpa in the home, which would make any jury deliver a verdict of “Aw, shucks.”

Here is Mr. Green’s response to that:

Never mind the weasel language about how Biden would present himself to a jury because an “elderly man with a poor memory” is how he presents himself to members of the press, gathered audiences, and various deceased foreign dignitaries from countries he gets mixed up sometimes. 

Remember those reports from a month or three ago that Biden was getting all upset about the public perception that he’s too old and feeble for the job? Yeah, his own DOJ just used that as the reason Biden can’t be held accountable for storing classified documents next to the case of 40 Weight Motor Oil and expired boxes of Fix-O-Dent.

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YES, WE ARE ACTUALLY LIVING IN THIS WORLD.

Of course, the notion that Biden is presenting himself to anyone is absurd. He is whatever his handlers decide he needs to be in a given situation. They’ve got a situational “upper/downer” combo chart that has precise dosages for what they need him to achieve at the time. The problem that they’ve been running into lately is that there doesn’t seem to be enough Adderall in the world to get Biden through more than 45 seconds before he goes into full Max Headroom glitch mode. 

Kudos to the evil masterminds in the Democratic party who figured out a way to turn Biden’s greatest weakness into a defense for anything he happens to do because of said weakness. Those guys are playing seven-dimensional chess over there.

This also provides the Dems with all the cover they need to keep Biden in the presidential race. They’ve admitted that he’s addled and incompetent, and they’ve decided that they can find ways to make that work to their advantage. 

Our allies might want to prep for an accidental nuking. 

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