Helmets Now Required Simply to Walk Around in NYC

From the remove of my relatively safe suburban town, I’ve watched the demise of my once-beloved New York City with a combination of horror and bemusement. Its descent into third-world s**thole status was foreseeable, but it’s still sad. And while the erstwhile greatest city on Earth has phoenixed itself from the ashes more than once, it seems ever more likely that perhaps the damage is too devastating to recover from this time.

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On Sunday, Michael Stuhlbarg, a fairly well-known actor, was taking in the evening air on the Upper East Side near Central Park when a troglodyte whacked him in the back of the neck with a rock. (A varying report says the Neanderthal flung the rock in the actor’s direction.) Stuhlbarg chased his assailant until police were able to arrest 27-year-old Xavier Israel, a homeless man who — all together now — has been arrested before, including for assault and robbery. 

Stuhlbarg refused treatment at the scene. Opening Night of his new Broadway play “Patriots” was scheduled for the following evening, so he probably didn’t have time for the NYC emergency department rigamarole. Israel, who was out on parole, was charged with assault and harassment and — shockingly — held on $50,000 cash bail — at least, as of this writing. 

Mere hours after the rock attack, a woman who was minding her own business in Midtown was whacked in the back. No mere rock was good enough for her attacker though; he had a hammer with him, presumably in case the opportunity arose to batter someone. The New York Post reports:

A moped-riding maniac slammed a hammer into a woman’s back – after grimly warning her, “Nobody’s gonna find you here” – in an unprovoked attack inside Central Park early Monday, cops said. 

The stranger approached the 39-year-old victim at 64th Street and Center Drive inside the iconic greenspace around 12:15 a.m. and made the ominous threat, police said. 

He then used the implement to strike her in the back without warning, authorities said. 

The attacker then zipped away on his moped and had not been caught by later Monday, cops said.

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It was barely a month ago that medical student and cellist Iain Forrest, who performs under the name “Eyeglasses,” was conked in the noggin with his own water bottle by a random stranger.

But just because some assailants have upped their game by using blunt instruments, doesn’t mean that the old sucker-punch game is dead. Over the past couple of weeks, young women have been getting punched in the face or head by random psychos. The NYPD has arrested three suspects so far (at least one of whom has already been released).

Even if one manages to avoid the random violent assaults that are becoming the Big Apple’s signature assault, there are always falling debris and building collapses to watch out for!

Related: New York City Is Literally Crumbling

I don’t know what has happened to our society — especially in blue locales — that prevents us from locking away the dangerous predators and sufferers of mental illness, but I can’t imagine we’re headed anywhere good. Wherever we wind up, New York City seems determined to be in the vanguard.

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