On last week’s brave Return of Florida Man Friday, I reminded FMF fans old and new that a classic Florida Man story involves at least two of the following elements:
I left one off last week: A weapon of some kind, preferably unusual. A pistol is fine, but a machete or crossbow makes for an even better Florida Man story.
Let’s see how many of those we can tally up this week on another thrilling installment of…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man struck by car leaving store asks if his beer is OK, deputies say
Priorities:
Deputies said the man was transported to the hospital with injuries to his face from the broken glass.
He is expected to recover.
In a Facebook post, the sheriff’s office said the victim was “talking and remained in unusually good spirits, asking deputies if the beer he just purchased was OK.” In the post, police added that it was “just short of a miracle” nobody was seriously injured in the incident.
Florida Man, I salute you, sir.
SCORE: 1 point for alcohol, 1 point for vehicular madness.
TOTAL: 2 Florida Man Friday points.
You Can Do That?
Florida Woman Charged With Driving While High on Deodorant
The police have to be on the lookout for everything these days, including stuff we usually spray at our armpits:
Deputies pulled her over on SE Federal Highway and Carroll Street and noticed a stack of empty Right Guard deodorant spray cans in her car. The sheriff’s office said she also appeared impaired. and that a strong scent of the spray was in her car.
According to the sheriff’s office, Theodore initially said she sprayed the deodorant because she liked the smell of it. She later admitted she drank alcohol earlier in the day, and then huffed the deodorant while driving her car.
I’m sure there’s a Butterfly Effect story where 15-year-old me discovers the joy (?) of huffing deodorant, never gets into politics, and the world is a much better (but somewhat less silly) place, the end.
SCORE: 1 point for drugs, 1 point for vehicular madness.
TOTAL: 4 FMF points.
Sweet Little Old Florida Woman
Elderly Florida Woman dubbed ‘the hugging bandit’ pickpocketed victims after pretending to know them
What’s there to add to the headline, other than 1 point for chutzpah?
TOTAL: 5 FMF points.
Only in Florida
Human arm spotted in an alligator’s mouth in Florida wildlife preserve, sheriff says https://t.co/dnr70LqmBz
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) March 11, 2022
Normally, this is where I would express hope that Florida Man is doing fine after the incident, but the odds aren’t looking very good right now.
Instead, I’ll express my heartfelt gratitude that the worst we have to deal with in Colorado is bears, and one hasn’t come into my garage in months already.
SCORE: 1 point for wildlife.
TOTAL: 6 FMF points.
Recommended: It’s the Return of Florida Man Friday!
A Very Public Education
Florida Mom Arrested After Assaulting Teacher Who Said “You Need To Learn To Raise Your Child” During Meeting
Well, that escalated quickly:
The assault took place on Feb.14 when Stephanie Armas,34, attended a meeting with social studies teacher Mayade Ersoff to discuss her child’s behavior towards their classmates. During the meeting, Ersoff reportedly told Armas “You need to learn how to raise your child” and authorities said Armas stood up then struck the teacher in her shoulder. She also threw a picture frame at Ersoff and spat on the principal’s desk. An assistant principal and principal were also present at the meeting.
The story doesn’t get into the particulars of the child’s behavior, and of course, there’s no excuse for hitting, throwing, or spitting — unless you’re playing baseball.
But if you want to get a parent riled up — fighting words, practically — tell them you know better than they do about how to raise their child.
There’s so much of that “We’re Better Than Your Actual Parents” stuff going on in our public schools that you shouldn’t be surprised when you start reading a lot more stories just like this one, and not just from Florida.
SCORE: It’s a stretch, but I’m awarding 1 FMF point for corrupt officials.
TOTAL: 7 FMF points.
Patriotism, Florida Man Style
Doorcam shows naked Florida Man stealing American flag off porch
“To wear it?” my wife asked over lunch.
Sho ‘nuff:
According to a Facebook post from the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office, the agency is looking to identify a man in his birthday suit who swiped Old Glory off a doorstep in Ormond Beach last week.
It doesn’t seem as if the person in question took the patriotic symbol to wave it, but to wear it.
In Doorcam video provided to authorities, you see a blond, bearded man in the buff approach a doorway with something concealing his crotch area, possibly a shirt or hat.
He grabs the flag, pole still attached, uses it as a fig leaf, then disappears into the night.
There’s video at the link, if you must.
Police say they don’t know the backstory, according to the report, but I’m going to wager there was some kind of mind- or mood-altering substance involved.
SCORE: 1 point for public nudity, 1 point for drugs and/or alcohol.
TOTAL: 9 FMF points.
Florida Man, Criminal Mastermind
Florida man calls 911 to ask if deputies can test if his meth is real https://t.co/4VoCzWpM2k
— tbt* (@tbtnewspaper) March 11, 2022
I’m awarding an extra point for chutzpah on this one.
SCORE: 1 point for drugs, 1 point for Florida-style chutzpah.
TOTAL: 11 FMF points.
All the Florida News That’s Fit to Print
Florida Woman Arrested for Concealed Carrying While Dropping Her Kid Off at School
Yeah, this shouldn’t be a crime:
A Florida woman is now facing a charge of possessing a weapon on school property after being caught carrying concealed on her kid’s school campus. She was walking her kid to school and entered through the main door. A school employee saw what looked to be a “gun-shaped bulge” on her and reported it to school officials.
Next time, Florida Woman, someone asks about the bulge in your pants, just say you’re happy to see them — and dare them to ask how you self-identify.
SCORE: 1 point for weaponry.
TOTAL: 12 FMF points.
How Did Florida Man Do?
I found eight classic Florida Man stories this week for a total of 12 FMF points. That’s an average 1.5 points per story, and not a single story worth more than 2 points. I’m not dissing the quality of this week’s selections, but clearly, Florida Man can do better.
Because we’ve never needed Florida Man more than we do right now.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man Reels In Fish In The Middle Of A Traffic Jam
I have friends who are seriously into fishing, but Colorado Man has them all beat.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…