There was so much absurd Florida Man goodness this week that I hardly knew where to start.
Actually, I knew exactly where to start as you’re about to see on this week’s thrilling episode of…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man busted after masturbating inside a Miami Beach Starbucks
So this happened:
A self-proclaimed homeless male model was arrested for masturbating in front of people in a Starbucks in Miami Beach on Friday, according to reports.
Blake Reign, 27, was allegedly seen by several witnesses pleasuring himself at the Starbucks on Collins Avenue and 29th Street around 9:30 a.m. Friday.
Police showed up 10 minutes later and Florida Man was still going at it.
That’s when things got genuinely out of control.
Florida Man took off running, and “allegedly refused to comply with cops’ orders, and they shot him with a dart-firing stun gun.”
But he pulled out the darts and took off again:
In the bizarre chase, police shot Reign roughly eight times before he was finally subdued. Police used “closed fist distraction blows” and kicked him in the lower back area as well, according to the arrest report.
No one will ever get quite as excited by Starbucks coffee as Florida Man.
Last week I introduce the FMF scoring system, and today I made one addition at the end of the list:
- A police chase
- Drugs/alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest/fleeing police
- Golf
- Weapon, preferably unusual
- Petty crime
I think the scoring system is finally complete, but please let me know if I missed anything.
Based on that, here’s how this week’s scoring looks so far.
SCORE: 1 for public nudity, 1 for fleeing police, 1 for resisting arrest, 1 for petty crime.
TOTAL: 4 FMF points.
That’s a new high for a single story — way to go!
The King Lives
“The King” Florida Man In Custom Golf Cart Wanted For Battery Over Parking Spot Dispute#theking #florida #floridaman #golfcart https://t.co/hsyDc5LAJP
— The Free Press (@tampafreepress) March 18, 2022
I might have to add “old people” to the scoring system, but I’m going to give it some time before deciding.
Anyway, the only way the story of one older guy in a custom golf cart beating an even older guy over a parking space could be more FMF-worthy is if a police chase had been involved. A very slow police chase.
Like OJ. But in a custom golf cart. Because Florida.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, golf.
TOTAL: 6 FMF points.
Crack Smokin’
Florida Woman hides in woods from deputies, found with glass pipe in privates, officials say
Tuesdays in Florida:
The department said deputies responded to multiple calls of a reckless driver in a Circle K parking lot on E. Silver Spring Boulevard in Ocala around 2 a.m. Tuesday. Deputies attempted to stop the driver, identified as 42-year-old LaToya Nichole Ashe, who refused to stop and sped off down E. Silver Spring Boulevard.
They had to call up a helicopter to find her. And then:
According to the MCSO affidavit, Ashe’s breath had a “strong odor of alcoholic beverage,” and she denied driving the vehicle. During a search at the jail, detention deputies found a glass pipe inside her private parts that had traces of methamphetamine, the sheriff’s office said.
Makes you wonder what Florida Woman gets up to on a Saturday night.
SCORE: Police chase, drugs, vehicular madness.
TOTAL: 9 FMF points.
The Return of Florida Iguana Monkey Madness
Florida man pleads guilty to illegal sale of monkey to ‘celebrity client’https://t.co/Y4FJYJenWK
— Lyman Duggan VE9NE/W4 🇨🇦 (@lymanduggan) March 17, 2022
This is the third edition of FMF since I brought the series back earlier this month.
This is the third story involving illicit monkey sales.
Is there really such big demand for illicit monkeys?
Indisputably.
But mostly I’m thinking that Illicit Monkeys would be a great name for a punk revival band.
SCORE: Wild animals
TOTAL: 10 FMF points.
Driving My Life Away
Florida Man crashes into deputy, gets arrested after leaving license plate behind
It isn’t what you think.
Just kidding. It’s exactly what you think:
On Saturday, just before midnight, a Flagler County Sheriff’s deputy saw two cars racing north on U.S. Highway 1 at 111 miles per hour.
Moments later, one of the drivers lost control of his Nissan 350Z, spinning out and crashing into the deputy’s SUV that was parked in the median.
The driver of the Nissan drove away from the crash scene, leaving the bumper and license plate behind.
It occurred to me just now that there’s a common FMF thread that I left out of the scoring system: getting caught, stupidly. Like the guy last week who wanted the police to authenticate his meth. Sigh.
Let’s add “getting caught, stupidly” to the list, shall we?
SCORE: vehicular madness, getting caught, stupidly, fleeing police.
TOTAL: 13 FMF points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Hit by Car at Convenience Store, Asks If His Beer Survived
There’s a Law Against That?
Florida woman charged with battery after she allegedly squirted her neighbor in the face with a water gun. pic.twitter.com/0R0zL73fxk
— SAY CHEESE! 👄🧀 (@SaycheeseDGTL) March 17, 2022
I saw this one on Twitter and since there wasn’t a link included to a genuine news story, it pinged my BS detector.
So I did a little digging, because that’s the kind of journalistic integrity that FMF fans have come to expect.
Sure enough, this actually happened:
Deputies said the victim was walking past the home of Renee Bolduc, of St. Petersburg, when Bolduc walked from inside her house onto her porch and shot the victim in the face with a water gun.
According to deputies, Buldoc sprayed the victim because she was upset that she was walking on “her street.”
“The type of water gun,” the story dryly noted, “was not disclosed.”
When we were kids this kind of thing was called “horseplay” and it was not against the law. And you didn’t call the police, either — you got an even bigger water gun and showed them what’s what.
SCORE: Petty crime, unusual weapon.
TOTAL: 15 FMF points.
Family Matters
Florida Man And His Sister Arrested After Armed Home Invasion, Fleeing Police
Just your run-of-the-mill true-crime story of a barely-legal brother and sister conducting a little home invasion to steal a safe and then everything going wrong.
It’s like a rejected Quentin Tarantino pitch:
Deputies responded to the robbery shortly before 7 p.m. on Hamilton Avenue in Orange City, where the victim said Jarvis Carr held him at gunpoint while another suspect stole a safe from the house. The robbery didn’t go as planned.
Upon leaving, the suspects attempted to take a friend’s truck by force, but he resisted, pressed his panic alarm, and the suspects had to take off running instead.
The sister showed up, finally, with the getaway car. A police chase ensued, including the brother waving a pistol around. They ran a red light, hit a curb, and ended up stalled in front of a Publix. The brother fled on foot but was finally caught by police, who found — surprise! — meth on him.
The kicker: The sibling suspects’ names are Jarvis and Jarvia.
I don’t even know how to score that, but I feel like it’s got to be worth a bonus point for absurdity.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, resisting arrest, fleeing police, drugs, weapon, absurd bonus point.
TOTAL: 21 FMF points.
Bravo and brava, Florida Man and Florida Woman.
Chutzpah, Thy Name Is Florida Woman
Florida woman accused of renting out home she didn’t own
Florida Woman has quite cleverly found a way to escape the ravages of inflation.
Sell or rent stuff she doesn’t own.
“Signed the lease agreement, she wrote me out a receipt for my deposit and my first month’s rent,” said Whitfield. “And we said our goodbyes. She handed me keys and we said our goodbyes. “
Planning to surprise her family, Whitfield said she took them to their new home and was surprised herself.
“There’s a gentleman standing outside with a big truck and I’m like, ‘Hey, how are you? How can I help you?’” said Whitfield. “He’s like, ‘I’m here to meet the realtor and start renovations.’ I said, ‘Come again? Excuse me? I just rented the place this afternoon.’”
The rest you can probably guess.
My lawyer tells me* that if you offer Uber services in a stolen car, you don’t have to worry about, gas, mileage, depreciation, or any of that stuff.
SCORE: Petty crime.
TOTAL: 22 FMF points
*This never happened. Not actual legal advice. Do not try this at home, even if your home is in Florida.
So How Did Florida Man Do?
Eight stories with a total of 22 points for an average of 2.75 points per Florida Man event — with our top two stories earning a massive ten points between them.
What a week!
Meanwhile, in New Jersey…
A NJ substitute teacher was arrested and charged this week after he masturbated in front of his students pic.twitter.com/ZznAWhF6kl
— Libs of Tik Tok (@libsoftiktok) March 17, 2022
Not to be outdone by Florida Man touching himself in a Starbucks, New Jersey Man did it while teaching. Twice.
According to the report, police described the suspect’s behavior as “inappropriate.”
Don’t you just love it when the police are droll?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…