Late Night Hosts Blast ‘Masturbating’ Critic, Tell Thomas to ‘Suck It’

News & Politics

The trio of Chelsea Handler, Seth Meyers, and Stephen Colbert continued their lamentations at the downfall of Roe v. Wade on their Thursday night and Friday morning shows. The trio did everything from rage at random Twitter accounts, give the Supreme Court an “F” grade, and invited Justice Thomas to “suck it.”

Handler’s performance was the culmination of a week of guest hosting ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, “I have thoroughly enjoyed my time guest hosting. But just like women’s rights, all good things must come to an end. And if nothing else, at least I got one viewer to change his stance on abortion after watching my monologues this week.”

Handler, who earlier in the week profanely declared she doesn’t care what men on the internet think about abortion, then read from a tweet from an account that as of publishing has three followers and only started tweeting this week, “This is from Kenneth, ‘Knowing that she isn’t raising kids is almost justification for abortion. She is probably one of the [worst] most horrible people on Earth. A close third after Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert. I thought comedians were supposed to be funny?’” 

For someone who claims to care about what others think, it is obvious Handler went searching for this tweet that as of publication has zero retweets, one quote tweet, four likes, and two replies, both of which came from Handler fans after the show aired.

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Handler continued her lack of caring, “I am funny, [bleep]. That’s why I’m here telling jokes about one of the darkest days in human history, while you’re masturbating into your pillow.”

After suggesting a 28th Amendment to the Constitution that would remove male suffrage, Handler implored men to support abortion, “If we endorse the 28th Amendment, maybe we can get America back to not sucking so hard. But hopefully, we won’t need to do that. Guys, if you don’t want us going after your rights, you better get up off your hairy asses and join the fight to defend ours.”

Over at NBC’s Late Night, Meyers was interviewing Sen. Elizabeth Warren and wondered, “How would you grade the legal argument that was presented for overturning Roe v. Wade?”

After some back and forth about Warren being a tough grader, Meyers gave the Court an “F”, “So just know if she gives it an ‘F,’ Clarence Thomas, it’s probably a ‘D’ from somebody else.

Meyers then opened up the floor for Warren to say that the logic of Dobbs might as well have endorsed slavery, “This opinion basically cites a bunch of folks from the 1700s and says, “Boy, that’s the way we want to go. Oh, I’m sorry. To a time when aristocrats ran the world, when the only people who had voices were white men, and when slavery was a way for people to make money, that’s not the America we’re trying to build going forward.” 

Over at CBS’s The Late Show, Colbert proved that he is not an attentive Court watcher, “Overturning Roe might not be the Supreme Court’s only kick to your groin, because in a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas said the Court should also revisit decisions on the right to contraception, the right of gay couples to marry, and the overturning of sodomy laws. Which, among other things, would ban oral sex.”

Thomas is always writing concurrences saying certain precedents are wrong and should be reversed, but no other justice joined him on this one. Still, Colbert’s idea of a brilliant response was, “And in response, I just want to say, Clarence Thomas can suck it. With– and I mean that. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. That, I want to encourage that.

To which everyone thought “I thought comedians were supposed to be funny.”

These segments were sponsored by Ashley’s Homestore, Red Lobster, and Applebee’s.

Here is a transcript of the June 30 and July 1 shows:

ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!

6/30/2022

11:36 AM ET

CHELSEA HANDLER: I have thoroughly enjoyed my time guest hosting. But just like women’s rights, all good things must come to an end. And if nothing else, at least I got one viewer to change his stance on abortion after watching my monologues this week. This is from Kenneth, “Knowing that she isn’t raising kids is almost justification for abortion. She is probably one of the [worst] most horrible people on Earth. A close third after Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert. I thought comedians were supposed to be funny?” 

I am funny, [bleep]. That’s why I’m here telling jokes about one of the darkest days in human history, while you’re masturbating into your pillow.  Men have had all kinds of weird reactions to last week’s abortion ruling. Ever since the Supreme Court struck down Roe v. Wade, urologists have seen a spike in vasectomies. This just goes to show you that men really will do anything to avoid wearing a condom. I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito. 

Back in 1919, after a very long fight, Congress finally passed the 19th Amendment, which gave women, like me, the right to vote. But female suffrage was only half the battle. Which is why tonight, I would like to propose a new amendment to the Constitution, it’s Amendment 28: end male suffrage. Voting is a huge responsibility, and over the years most men have demonstrated time and time again that they lack the judgment necessary to not [bleep] that up. So let’s turn things over to the ladies. If we endorse the 28th Amendment, maybe we can get America back to not sucking so hard. But hopefully, we won’t need to do that. Guys, if you don’t want us going after your rights, you better get up off your hairy asses and join the fight to defend ours.

NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers

7/1/2022

1:09 AM ET

SETH MEYERS: Welcome back to Late Night. We’re here with Senator Elizabeth Warren. You are a former Harvard law professor. How would you grade the legal argument that was presented for overturning Roe v. Wade?

ELIZABETH WARREN: Oh, bad.

MEYERS: Yeah. 

WARREN: But, you know, I want to say bad, not just – 

MEYERS: Real quick before we go on, were you a tough grader? 

WARREN: Yeah. 

MEYERS: Yeah? Okay. 

WARREN: Yeah.

MEYERS: So just know if she gives it an “F,” Clarence Thomas, it’s probably a ”D” from somebody else 

WARREN: But it’s still a “D.” 

MEYERS: Okay, yeah. 

WARREN: It’s still bad. Here’s what really - one of the things that really troubles me about the way this opinion was written. You know, when you’re out there to change something that has been precedent for half a century, you would expect to read an opinion that really is as grounded in law as you could possibly make it, that talks about the restrictions, what you can’t do, and ultimately really tries to persuade. This opinion doesn’t do any of that. 

This opinion basically cites a bunch of folks from the 1700s and says, “Boy, that’s the way we want to go. Oh, I’m sorry. To a time when aristocrats ran the world, when the only people who had voices were white men, and when slavery was a way for people to make money, that’s not the America we’re trying to build going forward. 

And the fact that this opinion was just such an in-your-face about people who are truly going to be hurt from it. People whose lives are going to be turned upside down, people who are poor, who are not going to have the opportunity to leave and get to another state, women of color who already have the highest maternal mortality rates, 14-year-olds who have been raped by their coaches, mamas who are already working three jobs to try to take care of the families they’ve got. This opinion had nothing about the human impact of what it means to take away the decision that a woman makes about continuing a pregnancy and to insert instead the government just to come in callously and make the decision instead of the person who is pregnant it troubles me to think how six people could say they have seized power and care so little about the people who will pay the price.

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

6/30/2022

11:45 PM ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: Overturning Roe might not be the Supreme Court’s only kick to your groin, because in a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas said the Court should also revisit decisions on the right to contraception, the right of gay couples to marry, and the overturning of sodomy laws. Which, among other things, would ban oral sex. And in response, I just want to say, Clarence Thomas can suck it. With– and I mean that. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. That, I want to encourage that. 

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