Florida Man Friday is a time-honored tradition at PJ Media dating all the way back to the late 20-teens. It’s my — and your — weekly break from all the awful news. It’s a chance to enjoy some (mostly) harmless criminal antics, small-town heroics, and (of course) the occasional stolen police car.
Plus, we have a special guest appearance from my home state of Colorado, and I couldn’t be more proud of Colorado Man if he’d stolen TWO police cars.
Well, maybe I could.
Shall we begin?
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man tied up with belt after trying to carjack 74-year-old woman, burglarize home
There’s a lot to unpack here:
Florida Man tried to burglarize a home and later carjack a 74-year-old woman who was sitting in traffic Tuesday morning, but a witness stopped him by tying him up with a belt, according to the Marion County Sheriff’s Office (MCSO).
Florida Man allegedly didn’t remember the incident because he claimed to have used cocaine, Xanax pills, and alcohol the night before, MCSO said in a news release.
Some snort cocaine, take Xanax, and drink to remember. Some snort cocaine, take Xanax, and drink to forget.
I’m guessing the ones who do all that to remember, don’t.
More:
While at the intersection, deputies said Florida Man tried to enter multiple cars, and ultimately was able to get inside the 74-year-old woman’s SUV through her passenger side door.
He grabbed the steering wheel, her arm, and tried to push her out of the SUV, according to an arrest report. He reached his foot over to press the gas pedal, but authorities said the woman was able to keep her foot on the brake pedal.
A man who saw Florida Man wrestling with the woman in the SUV, walked over and pulled him out of the SUV, and restrained him with a belt until deputies arrived.
Bravo to the Good Samaritan for taking fast action, and to Florida Woman for keeping her wits about her during the ordeal. Things could have gone a lot worse.
Except for Florida Man, who faces a host of charges.
In case you’re new here, I award one point to Florida Man for hitting each of the following categories:
- A police chase
- Drugs/alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Caught on video
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest/fleeing police
- Golf
- Weapon, preferably unusual
- Stupid crime
- Getting caught stupidly
- Recidivism
- Theme park
- Face/neck tattoos
- WTF Were You Even THINKING?
In addition, I reserve the right to award bonus points for chutzpah or sheer awesomeness.
For our first story, here’s the tally.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, drugs/alcohol, getting caught stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Strong start, Florida Man.
Worst. Insurrection. Ever.
Florida man pleads guilty to 3 felony charges for actions in Jan. 6 Capitol breach
Prepare for various panties to get twisted into various knots because he made a triple guilty plea for acts of insurrection that very nearly toppled Our Sacred Democracy™:
Mitchell Todd Gardner II, 34, of Seffner, Fla., pleaded guilty in the District of Columbia to felony charges of civil disorder, obstruction of an official proceeding, and assaulting, resisting or impeding officers with a dangerous weapon. According to court documents, on Jan. 6, Gardner took part in a confrontation with law enforcement officers on the Lower West Terrace of the Capitol.
The “dangerous weapon” was the cops own tear gas canister, which Gardner threw back at the cops. Wake me when Antifa thugs start getting regularly charged with felonies for doing the same, which is often.
Long story short: No insurrection charges, no insurrection, just a guy doing stupid stuff on a very stupid day.
I’m not scoring this one.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man lifts overturned Jeep to rescue toddler after accident
Those of us old enough to remember Bill Bixby as the original Hulk can relate:
Photos from the scene show the Jeep that the toddler was riding in overturned on State Road100 and John Anderson Blvd., according to the Flagler Beach Fire Department.
Dormevil says he saw the accident, called 911, then jumped in to lift the Jeep so the toddler could be rescued.
“I held it up and they gave another boost of push and then the Jeep kinda lift up and the car seat and the baby was just sticking out.”
Amazing.
SCORE: 5 bonus points for sheer awesomeness.
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
The Evidence Was Planted
Cape Police searching for Florida Woman with prosthetic leg caught on camera stealing shrubs
To be clear, Florida Woman was wearing the prosthetic leg, not carrying it. On Florida Man Fridays, it’s important to get these details right.
So:
The greedy gardener now has the attention of the Cape Coral Police Department (CCPD), who is trying to track the lady down.
“That looks like a woman taking a plant out of the ground and putting it in a pot,” said Judi Flores while watching the video.
It’s exactly what she did, stealing a total of eight shrubs at the newly opened Dental Care at Midpoint on busy Del Prado Boulevard.
“Oh my God, that’s ridiculous,” Flores said.
Florida Woman shouldn’t be too terribly difficult to ID.
SCORE: Stupid crime, caught on video, chutzpah, and I want to give an extra point for the prosthetic leg not stopping her, but that’s probably already covered under “chutzpah.”
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
That Is a Hot Dog and He’s Unhappy to See You
Florida man with ‘hustle eat sleep repeat’ tattoo charged with throwing hot dog at police officer
So this happened:
A Tampa Bay area man was arrested Saturday for allegedly throwing a hot dog at an officer who warned him he was violating a city ordinance, according to a local report.
Florida Man is charged with felony battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting an officer without violence.
The court records note he has many tattoos, including the phrases “hustle eat sleep repeat,” and “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” among many others.
I know the law is an ass and all, but I’m still trying to figure out how throwing a hot dog can be considered felony battery but also non-violent.
SCORE: Stupid crime, face/neck tattoos, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Star Wars, Stealing That Star Wars…
Ignorance of the Law Is No Excuse
Florida police officer charged with DUI in patrol car
Cops are people, subject to all the same foibles as everyone else. I understand that.
Still, there’s a time and a place. This was neither:
An Apopka police officer was reportedly charged with DUI after he was pulled over in a marked patrol vehicle in Eustis on his way to work Monday.
WFTV reported that Florida Cop was pulled over by Eustis police officers after they saw him driving recklessly. When he was pulled over, police saw that Florida Cop had an open beer can in the car’s center cupholder.
When officers asked hime to get out of the car for a sobriety test, WFTV said couldn’t keep his balance and almost fell several times.
At the point Florida reportedly told officers he had “three tall boys” before his shift.
The burning question: Was he working the day shift or the night?
SCORE: Vehicular madness, alcohol/drugs, stupid crime, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
We have five scored stories with a total of 19 FMF Points for a near-record average of 3.8 points per story.
Well done, Florida Man.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man Responded To Police Dispatch In Stolen Patrol Car
Just to set the scene, when Colorado legalized weed in 2014, I don’t think people in Teller County noticed anything different.
Now, for the first time in FMF history, the most Florida Man story was actually a Colorado Man story, complete with my favorite detail: The stolen police car.
Here you go:
Colorado Man stole the squad car early Monday morning, according to the Teller County Sheriff’s Office. While he was driving the car, a call came on the radio seeking responders to a domestic violence incident.
Colorado Man reportedly drove by the scene, and officers said he was heard saying, “Where’s the old man that’s going to shoot someone?” Before he could be apprehended, he sped away from the crime scene. He was at large for several hours before he was spotted speeding again, and eventually crashed the vehicle and ran into the woods.
Colorado Man confronted deputies in the Colorado woods with a knife. He was dispatched with a stun gun, and although a shot was fired, he was determined to only have sustained self-inflicted knife wounds after he was taken to the hospital.
Top that, Florida Man!
Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
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