On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the pooping perp, the sheriffs deputies who made Disney World a little too magical, and one of the worst places to hide your crack pipe. Plus, Florida Man has nothin’ on Washington Man.
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man dubbed ‘pooping perpetrator’ sought by police for break-in
So Florida Man broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack late one night, as one does. He stole a Joe’s Crab Shack hat and wore it as he wandered around the restaurant, as one also does. He stole some alcohol because it takes a while to heat up the fryer and you’re not going to leave a break-in empty-handed at 2:30 in the morning.
A pretty routine Saturday night for Florida Man, right?
Well, except for the part where he dropped trou and pooped on a chair, as you can see in the security cam screencap above.
The “Thank You Please Seat Yourself” sign might have led to some confusion, I suppose.
Exit Question: Who poops where there’s no toilet paper?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Caught on Video, Drugs/Alcohol, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
If I Had a Hammer…
Florida Man arrested for allegedly attacking ATM with hammer
Ever had an ATM eat your ATM card?
Frustrating, isn’t it? What was supposed to be a simple cash withdrawal turns into one of those First World problems involving talking to someone on the phone for a new card, or maybe even in person at the bank. And then you have to update your card number with all those websites.
It’s almost enough to make you want to join the Amish, but then you remember you have a hammer in your truck:
Florida Man was arrested by police after allegedly using a hammer on a Bank of America ATM. Employees saw him screaming at the ATM to give his card back, according to a report by Leesburg News.
Employees said he first shook the ATM back and forth, screaming at it to give back his card, before going to his white truck to grab a hammer to strike the ATM. He drove away after hitting the ATM a few times. Police arrived on the scene shortly after he had left and later arrested him.
Problem solved!
Exit Question: Did you know there’s a news site called ATM Marketplace?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Stupid Crime, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Is That the Matterhorn You’re Riding?
Florida Man And Woman Cops Busted For Having Sex At Disney World While On Duty
“Not one, not two, but three Orange County Sheriff Deputies are in trouble for having sex while on duty,” according to ESPN Southwest Florida.
One of the deputies was already having an affair with another deputy when she began another affair with her supervisor. They’d have sex on duty, including at “a church in Windermere behind a business near the Orange County Sheriff’s Office and in the parking lot at Disney Springs.”
ESPN reported that they were caught after a tip was recieved, but that’s what she said.
The report made it very clear that the couple (throuple?) turned off their body cams, so rest assured that these dupties aren’t total idiots. More like 85%.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Corrupt Officials, Domestic Bliss, and a bonus point for Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Pinch Me! The Washington Post Is Hiring 2 Big Conservative Columnists and… Firing Millennial Wokesters?
Hunka-Hunka Burnin’ Love
Florida Woman told cops crack pipe found during strip search was sex toy
“We found an anomaly in her genital area” is the last thing anyone at Pinellas County Jail wants to hear when processing a new prisoner.
But this is Florida, man:
Florida Woman claimed a crack pipe found “protruding” from her vagina during a strip search was actually a sex toy.
But while she was being processed at the Pinellas County Jail, a body scan revealed an “anomaly” in her genital area, an arrest affidavit said, according to the outlet.
When officials conducted a strip search of the suspect, they found that “a glass crack pipe was protruding from the defendant’s vagina,” officers wrote.
Florida Woman then allegedly removed the contraband from her cavity and “intentionally threw it on the ground and steeped [sic] on it in an effort to destroy evidence,” the affidavit read.
It’s at that point that she tried to claim it was a sex toy, despite looking exactly like a crack pipe and being “covered with burnt marking.”
There is a “crack pipe” joke here that I could make, but won’t.
You’re welcome.
You’ll be shocked to learn that she had “previously been convicted of trespassing, disorderly conduct, fraud, battery, driving without a license and failure to show up in court.”
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Just Spit-Balling Here, But That Was Stupid
Florida Man trying to spit on speeding car falls from 3rd-floor balcony
I kinda feel for Florida Man on this one. He got a stupid idea in his head that it would be fun to act like a 12-year-old boy and spit on cars from his balcony.
But then he found himself on the wrong balcony, as only Florida Man can do.
This is from the Ocean City-Wright Fire Control District’s Facebook page:
Very interesting emergency call last night, and slightly hard to follow. A man with an apartment on the 3rd floor of an Apartment Complex on Racetrack Road called to be assisted from the 2nd floor. He apparently went to spit on a car speeding in the parking lot and then fell from the 3rd floor. His momentum carried him to the balcony of the 2nd floor apartment under his apartment. This apartment was unoccupied and locked. The uninjured man called to be assisted down from the 2nd floor balcony. Both interesting and lucky. Believable? That’s the story and he stuck to it.
Can you imagine having to make that phone call to the fire department?
“Hi. I need help getting down from a balcony.”
“Did you lock yourself out?”
“No, but I am locked out.”
“Who locked you out on your own balcony.”
“That’s the thing. This isn’t my balcony.”
That, as Les Nessman said, is when things got weird.
SCORE: I don’t know how to score this, so I’m just giving 5 bonus points for WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is It Still Armed Robbery When the Weapon Is an Office Supply?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five stories, 20 points, a very solid four-point average.
And the entertainment value of this week’s stories was way above average — thank you, Florida Man and Woman!
Meanwhile, in Washington State…
Bungling crooks fail to smash open an ATM after dragging it from a gas station convenience store and ramming it repeatedly with their Jeep Cherokee for FIVE minutes – before finally giving up
Florida Man brings a hammer to deal with an ATM, but Washington Men bring an SUV.
But the result is the same: FAIL.
Watching this video, it looks like a job digging ditches wouldn’t just be more remunerative — it would even be less effort.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…