On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the classiest stolen police cruiser story in ages, a bloody Chief Brody imitation, and Georgia’s Mother of the Year.
I have to pay special attention to stories like this one because I’m about to have not one but TWO teenage sons living under my roof. Assuming they stay that way — and I don’t mean the “under my roof part.”
Because teenage boys are stupid, as proven once more by this week’s top FMF story.
Florida Teen, wanting to shotgun a beer, decided to use a baby gator as his can opener.
By holding the gator RIGHT UP NEXT TO HIS FACE.
Actually, it’s even stupider than that. Florida Teen didn’t want to shotgun a beer but one of those Twisted Tea hard cider things. What is this, 2021?
I kid, I kid — mostly.
Yes, Florida Teen used a baby gator RIGHT UP NEXT TO HIS FACE to pierce the can, then shotgunned the Twisted Tea, and then because he’s so especially stupid, posted video of both his animal abuse and outdated beverage choice on social media.
Here’s the best part, courtesy of Orlando Weekly: “This isn’t even the first time we’ve written about this.”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
Did I mention that Florida Teen held the gator RIGHT UP NEXT TO HIS FACE?
SCORE: Wild Animals, Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
So Close to Being the Crime of the Century
I’m trying so hard to wrap my head around this one but I just can’t.
On the stupid side, Joe Winner at ESPN-SWF noted that “a license plate in Florida is not that expensive. I just renewed plates for 2 years and it was $70.”
I have to pay a couple hundred bucks a year for my registration here in Colorado, and my car isn’t even new.
On the smart side, Florida Man did take care to attempt to simulate an actual license plate font using duct tape. While clearly no artist, you can see that — from a distance — his fake plate could almost pass for real.
But back now to the stupid side. The registration sticker was, according to the Clay County Sheriff’s Office, “a folded sticky note with a sharpie indicating the expiration date.”
Yeah, that’s less likely to pass than Dylan Mulvaney without his underwear.
SCORE: Impersonation, Crime of the Century.
RUNNING TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: I’ve Got Some Bad News and Some Good News About Trans Suicide Rates
Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Readers™ know there’s almost nothing I like better than a story with a stolen police car — and it’s been so long since we had one. There was that stolen ambulance from a couple of weeks ago and, while it got me through, it just wasn’t the same.
The best stolen police car stories involve three elements:
- The suspect is in the process of being arrested…
- …when they somehow manage to escape the police…
- …and speed off in a cruiser.
It’s even better when the suspect is partly or fully handcuffed.
This story doesn’t have quite all the elements, but there’s a bonus detail that makes it a total winner.
A Miami cop was dropping someone off at Jackson Memorial Hospital when Florida Man was caught on video casually slipping into the cruiser and driving off. It took 30 minutes for anyone to realize the car was missing.
No details on how Florida Man was caught and finally arrested, although you won’t be surprised to learn he had a suspended driver’s license.
But here’s the part I love: Florida Man “was allegedly spotted driving the car while wearing the officer’s hat.”
SCORE: Stolen Police Car, Caught on Video, and three bonus for Style just because of the hat.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Reach Back into the Water
When I started reading this next one, I would have bet a mortgage payment that the guy in the headline was actually a tourist.
Florida Man was on an Everglades fishing trip and, after cleaning a catch, decided to rinse of his hands in the Everglades water. The slight splashing around was enough to get the attention of a small shark — but not that small — that bit Florida Man’s hand and dragged him into the water.
His injuries were serious enough that he had to be airlifted to a hospital.
“Sharks are no joke in the Everglades and the warnings about keeping your hands out of the water are not an exaggeration,” Florida Man’s friend wrote after the incident.
“Ah, two seconds won’t do anything,” Florida Man said immediately before the incident.
SCORE: Wild Animals, Water Hazard, The Inevitable Helicopter, Caught on video, Famous Last Words (new!).
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Naked Truth About Florida Drivers
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 17 points for a respectable average of 4.25.
It’s the police hat that put Florida Man over the top this week. I can’t get the image of him joyriding in a cop car, wearing that hat, and grinning like an idiot.
I know I’m grinning like one.
Meanwhile, in Georgia…
Back in the day — I was in second, third grade, so mid ’70s — Mom used to send me into the Quick Shop to buy her a pack of cigarettes. This was before we started carding the elderly for alcohol sales, and she was waiting right there in the car. I’d always point her out to the clerk, totally embarrassed that I was buying cigarettes.
But keep this in mind: Mom did give me the dollar to make a legal purchase.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…