Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a love that we wish had not dared speak its name, how to celebrate concealed carry and only get shot a few times, and Indiana Man’s failed attempt at avoiding a DUI.
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Steve, how can this be the most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)? I think we’ve all been mad enough at a family member to want to do something really stupid to them. Sometimes, people just snap.”
Yes, that’s all true. I have to admit that torching your cousin’s car, while certainly unseemly, barely merits inclusion on Florida Man Friday — much less as the entire week’s lead story.
But wait, there’s more!
The car Florida Man set fire to was his cousin’s Jaguar XE, which elevates this story from simple malice to “NO! NOT THE JAG!”
There’s still more.
The cousin initially lied to the police, telling them the car somehow just caught fire, because she was afraid Florida Man might do something even more stupid and dangerous. According to the report, he was standing right there while she was on the phone with the cops, and he made her put the phone on speaker.
And yet more:
When Florida Cousin got a chance to speak freely to the police, she told them she was afraid “because he carries a fully automatic gun with a double-drum high-capacity magazine on him regularly and even has a nickname for its drums.”
Because of course.
Somehow though, we still haven’t gotten to that clinching detail, the one that elevates this report to the Best of the Worst.
The cousins are also boyfriend and girlfriend.
And now you know…
…the rest of the story.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Face/Neck Tattoos, Likely Story, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Play Stupid Games, Win Multiple Gunshot Wounds
This next story has a happy ending of sorts.
Back in July in Miami — and I have no idea how this one escaped my attention — Florida Man decided to celebrate the state’s new concealed carry law the way any sane, law-abiding, and well-trained gun owner would.
He strapped on some body armor — I store mine on a VodkaPundit wax figure made for me by Madame Tussaud — and started firing his AR-15 into the air. “I heard a series of six or seven gunshots, and then 20 seconds later, I heard another six or seven gunshots, and about 20 seconds later, another round,” a neighbor told WPLG. But that’s just fine because those bullets magically disappear once they’ve reached the apex of their skyward journey.
Wouldn’t you know it, but the police came anyway.
Instead of dropping the rifle and surrendering to the cops, Florida Man tried to flee back into his apartment — “They’ll never to think to look for me there!” — but got shot by police a bunch of times instead. Weird how that happens.
I know I promised you a happy ending, and here it is.
After what must have been two hellish months in the hospital, Florida Man has recovered completely enough to be arrested and face a total of 53 well-deserved charges, “including felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon, resisting an officer with violence and possession of a short-barrel rifle, and 48 misdemeanor counts of discharging a weapon in public.”
SCORE: Weapon (So Many Weapons), Fleeing, Should Have Taken the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Fake Meat Is an Even Bigger Fraud Than I Thought
I Really Do Love a Happy Ending
Not all heroes wear capes:
Ronald Lucas said he heard a loud bang and thought it was the roofers he hired starting to work. He went outside, and according to reports, he watched the intruder walk up his porch steps and enter his home.
“As soon as I saw it, my wife had an operation, so I knew I had to get to her,” said Lucas.
He said what happened next was just instinct.
“I backed him all the way out, and I kept knocking him; finally, I hit him so hard he fell all the way down the steps and hit the rocks, then that’s when I came at him with the cane again,” said Lucas.
The best part? Florida Man kept chasing and beating the would-be intruder “all the way down Laurel Lane.”
He also told WESH, “Another guy comes along and says, ‘You better leave that old man alone!’ and I said, ‘Well, it’s too late. I’ve already beat the tar out of him.’”
Don’t mess with Florida Man at any age.
SCORE: The Elderly, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), plus three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Greedy alligator steals Florida Man’s lawn chair
There comes at least one moment in every person’s life where the best course of action is to let the Wookiee win.
Dude, Where’s My Truck That Isn’t My Truck?
You know what I hate?
Sometimes I gotta do a little panhandling to make some money on the side and there’s no shame in that since there’s this one store where I can usually find some people who got a little extra because maybe they got like a 10 or 20 dollar scratcher which is always cool but the store is too far for a man of my abilities and reputation to walk so maybe I borrow this truck from a guy I don’t know so I can drive down to the store but when I get there they don’t want any panhandling but that’s cool because I’ve got this other place to go but it isn’t that far so I leave the truck behind or maybe I got a little confused in my head and just forgot I had that damn truck but then the cops show up and accuse me of stealing it and they arrest me anyway even though I’m all like, “How can I have stolen that truck when I’m not even driving it?”
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Convenience Store, Élan (I mean, look at that mugshot).
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
You Can Take the Man Out of Florida But You Can’t Take Florida Out of the Man
So Florida Man skipped town all the way to Alabama. Who wouldn’t, after getting placed on probation following a three-year prison stint for assaulting a law enforcement officer?
The story doesn’t say, but I’m betting there were some other charges that led up to our hero assaulting that cop all those years ago.
Back to this week, when Florida Man was lying low in his secret underground criminal lair, a Taco Bell in Greenville, Ala. And by “lying low,” I mean, “Florida Man saw an ambulance in the parking lot that still had its keys in it so he went all YOLO on that sweet ride.”
Police responded quickly, somehow recognized Florida Man from the Taco Bell surveillance video (I’m guessing they have recognition software), and then just as quickly located the ambulance. Although to be fair, it isn’t like they’re difficult to spot.
Florida Man then tried to flee on foot, but you can guess the rest.
For the record, this is our third stolen ambulance story this summer, so I’m forced to introduce it as a new scoring category — almost (but not quite) up there with Stolen Police Cruiser.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Fleeing the Scene, Police Chase, Caught On Video, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Converted the Walmart Into a Drive-Thru
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a respectable average of 4.4.
I think we can all agree, with autumn almost here, that Florida Man spent the summer giving us his best effort.
Meanwhile, in Indiana…
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
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