Sometimes you find a story so strange that on one hand, you can’t pass it up. On the other hand, that same story may be so outrageous that it tests the bounds of journalistic decency, and you run the risk of offending someone. So you realize that you will probably regret it if you write the story, but you also know that you will regret it if you don’t. And you might as well get paid. This is just such a story.
Dateline: Pontiac, Mich. 40-year-old Brianna Kingsley decided that, like so many other people in these United States, he no longer wanted to be a man. To expedite things, he had the requisite bottom surgery, which included the removal of his man marbles. So far, nothing out of the ordinary here, which speaks volumes about America.
In most cases, those receptacles that once generated the elixir of life would have been incinerated as medical waste, but Kingsley also decided he wanted to keep his nuggets, if not on his person, at least in his fridge. So instead of abandoning the former objets de reproduction, he chose to store them away like a pair of novelty dice from a seedy game booth on the midway of Hell’s Carnival. So there they sat, perhaps among the milk and some old take-out cartons, in a jar in the fridge. And yes, feel free to add your own pickled egg joke here. The story would be weird enough if I just stopped typing right now, but the saga continues.
The Detroit News noted that Kingsley had a boyfriend. After the relationship went sour, Kingsley moved out and forgot to check the fridge. As of this writing, there the woe-begotten gonads sit. and Kingsley wants them back. I’m not sure why. Maybe as a conversation-piece paperweight? To replace the high school graduation tassel on his rearview mirror? One best nor speculate too much on the options.
Normally, this would have been resolved with a trip back to the old domicile and politely asking for the return of the family jewels and not just great-grandma’s engagement ring. But the boyfriend, William Wojciechowski, wants to hang on to the discarded appendages, maybe for old-time’s sake. So Kingsley has filed suit to retrieve the… I’m running out of ways to say testicles.
The complaint states in part: “Defendant retains possession of my surgically extracted testicles, preserved in (a) Mason jar, kept in (the) fridge next to the eggs. Demand immediate return of my human remains specimen and damages of $6,500.”
Next to the eggs. How apropos. Darn near poetic. For his part, Wojciechowski maintains that Kingsley “picked up all her possessions when we broke up. She took everything she wanted then.” Well, apparently, not everything. According to Wojciechowski, Kingsley has been harassing him since they broke up. He says that he will use Kingsley’s small claims affidavit as further proof that Kingsley is intimidating him and has already filed a protection order against Kingsley. The Detroit News reported:
According to court records, Kingsley pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault in October 2020 and was sentenced to two months in jail, stemming from a Dec. 25, 2019, incident in Ferndale. According to the Royal Oak Tribune, Kingsley pulled a knife on her then-roommate, also a transgender woman, on Christmas Day.
On that dark note, according to the Daily Mail, Wojciechowski alleges that Kingsley stole and subsequently abused his dogs. Kingsley has since converted to Islam and, at one point, even made an “unboxing video” of the moment he received his severed body parts.
@rhinowitchsanctuary The Unboxing of Dees Nuts
This raises some questions. If Kingsley was so attached to his testes, why cut them off and forget them in the fridge? And why celebrate their removal with a TikTok video? As to Wojciechowski, why not just give the things back and be done with the matter? It’s probably because the situation is so dysfunctional that it might never be resolved.
On one hand, there is no end to the jokes that can be written about this story. I haven’t even scratched the surface. And if I were still a journalist, you can bet I would drop everything to cover this case. On the other hand, the need for a protective order and the allegations of animal abuse point toward something more sinister, namely, the fact that the nation has lost its collective mind.
Of course, both men and much of America still need to learn the lesson that when you go looking for chaos, you always find it.