Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the man who was going to walk to London, Florida Woman’s feet of fury, and Nebraska Man’s attempt to turn a late-model Crown Vic into a livestock trailer.
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man had a dream. His dream was to construct a human-sized hamster wheel out of buoys and giant red balls and paddles and stuff and then run all the way from Florida to London.
I dunno, maybe he likes the food there.
Nothing would stop Florida Man’s pursuit of his dream. Not the 4,400-mile trip. Not the treacherous waters. Not being entirely sure where London is.
Florida Man claims to have been raising money for charity, but none of the stories I read made mention of any actual charities or donors. Anyhoo, the Coast Guard caught up with him about 70 miles offshore from Tybee Island, Ga. Apparently, there was some kind of issue with the “manifestly unsafe” watercraft he was paddling. There was also a problem with Florida Man’s paperwork for the vessel, in that he didn’t have any.
A three-day standoff then ensued because Florida Man claimed to have a bomb on board with him. At one point, he threatened to kill himself with a 12-inch knife if the Coast Guard didn’t let him continue his mission.
Before he finally gave up, our hero uttered the Line of the Week: “No, I don’t have a bomb inside my hamster wheel.”
But wait, there’s more.
“It is not the first time authorities have found [Florida Man] trying to cross the ocean on a human-powered vessel,” according to NBC News. “In 2014, the Coast Guard found him 70 miles off Florida in an inflatable bubble during an attempt to run around the Bermuda Triangle.”
As one does.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Stand-Off, Hold My Beer, and a record three bonus points for WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Oh, You Stole an Ambulance? That’s So Last June
Ever had a news story make you do a doubletake so hard that one of your contact lenses flies out? No? Just me?
I was doing my FMF news search when I saw a headline pop up about Florida Woman stealing an ambulance. Apparently, she was sitting in her hospital gown and footies on a bench outside the HCA Florida St. Lucie Hospital when she noticed arriving EMTs had left their ambulance running.
So she hopped in the empty truck and took off. Thanks to a GPS tracker and some nasty traffic, police caught up quickly and arrested Florida Woman after she tried to flee on foot (wearing those paper footies) and further resisting arrest.
As one does.
Sound familiar? Back in June, Florida Woman stole a totally different ambulance in the Miami area. She crashed that one, twice, before police caught up with her — and the unlucky employee who was still inside.
That’s why I did the double-take. We’ve had not one but TWO stolen ambulances since our last stolen police car report. I’m not sure how to feel about that because you know how much I love my stolen police car stories.
“I’ve never heard of somebody stealing an ambulance other than outside a movie,” Police Chief Richard Del Toro told WPBF-25 News. “Maybe the ‘Fugitive’ or something like that.”
The Chief needs to start reading VodkaPundit if he wants to stay on top of what really goes on in Florida.
On Florida Man Friday, history repeats itself the first time as farce.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Police Chase, Fleeing, Resisting, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Wow, big start this week with a pair of sixes.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: It’s Been a Good Week for Keeping Bossy Busybodies From Spying on Your Phone
Thug Life for Dummies
You know what I hate?
Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how smart you are because the cops are gonna catch you even when you make yourself all CSI-proof by putting on a mask and some blue latex gloves before you go breaking into cars to see if there’s any iPhones or some other good crap in there but then you see this really sweet Mercedes and you just gotta have it, right, and you’re taking that ride cruising down Deltona and you just know how good you look doing that so you get some slick selfies of just you and that sweet ride and you put’em on Instagram so the ladies will see you looking that good but then the police see them and when they catch up with your Mercedes and you still have the gloves and the mask that were in all the security videos from the gas station where you topped off the tank and you’re all like, “Damn, bro, how do they always figure this stuff out?”
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Recidivism, Criminal Mastermind, Caught on Video, Master of Disguise, Face/Neck Tattoos.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Nature red in fang and white in claw.
“Despite officials’ warnings,” according to a Twitter account called Policy Scoop that’s taking this way too seriously, Florida Man “tried to ride his bicycle around Tampa Bay this morning after the storm surge over 4ft.”
“Officials have clearly stated not to go out yet people find adventure in such life-threatening situations. Category 3 hurricane #Idalia is real,” said another.
Well, what else is he supposed to do since he can’t swim?
My rule is, if you can see the tops of the hedges and the middle third of the stop sign pole, then the water isn’t too deep to go bicycling in.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, and one bonus point for Élan because the world needs more élan.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off
Mrs. VodkaPundit is one helluva woman, as our VIP Gold “Five O’Clock Somewhere” can attest, after her many guest appearances on the show. Maybe my favorite thing about her is that when she has something to say, when she wants to make something clear, she just says it. None of this “Try and Guess Why I’m Mad at You While I Wordlessly Glower” stuff for her.
Melissa is, in her own, nearly crazy way, sane like that.
What does tiny Florida Woman do when she wants to get a point across to her fiance?
Officers were called to investigate a report of a fight at 6:40 a.m. Thursday to the Mobil gas station on U.S. Hwy. 27/441, according to an arrest report from the Lady Lake Police Department. A man told police that he had been driving a car when his fiance, 20-year-old [Florida Woman] of Green Cove Springs, began using her feet to choke him. A passenger in the back seat heard the man cry out, “I can’t breathe.” The passenger said that FW, who stands 4 feet 11 inches tall and weighs 103 pounds, would not release her grip on the man’s neck.
Men, I hate having to tell you this again, but I know some of you need reminders. The woman who chokes you with her feet at six in the morning because you bought the Camel Lights at the Mobil station instead of the Camel Special Lights like she clearly told you, is someday going to poison your coffee or come at you in bed with a soldering iron because of that other thing you did six years ago that she can’t quite remember what it was except you were really asking for it.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Convenience Store,
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Frankenduck vs. the Newsweasels
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for a super-high average of 4.8.
Well done, everybody, great job. Looking forward to what you have in store for us next.
Meanwhile, in Nebraska…
Nebraska Man has some guts, just trying to pull that one off. But let’s give credit where it’s due to Howdy Doody. That bull knows how to look cool while cruising down the highway.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t also call your attention to the late-model Ford Crown Vic — I believe that’s the beefed-up police version — for making it look easy.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…